justin_guber - @ 20six.co.uk

I Stink!

Yesterday the water got cut half way through my shower, but at least I got to shower a bit. This morning is a different story.

This morning, there was no water whatsoever. I had woken up late. It's 9.11am, and I have no fucking water. I've got just enough to brush my teeth, but that's it.

In other words, as of this moment I smell like the pvc back seat of a 5 year old Kuala Terrengganu Kancil.

I do NOT want the reputation of being 'the guy that smells funny' in this office.

And the pharmacy isn't open yet, so I'm gonna have to wait before I can have a Spanish shower. Gawdemmit.

On the plus side, though, I've got something I find absolutely hillarious to post up, but y'all are gonna have to wait for that one.

Until then, here's another dodgy photo of me:

Taken somewhere in Shoreditch.

1.7.04 04:38

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To titilate or educate?

Malaysia's wonderful. Even though we're a 50% muslim country, the urge to perv is great. Overwhelming. Disturbingly powerful. If it wasn't for the net, I don't know what the good people of Malaysia would do.

But not everyone has the internet. So for all the low income Malay's, there's literature. Literature such as this:

For those that can't read Malay, I'll translate as best I can:

The headlines of the individual photos, clockwise, from top left (I've added the exlamation marks for effect):

Brinjal breaks in girls vagina!

How black magic made a girl give up her virginity!

Willing to sleep with 2 guys at once! - after downing some spanish fly.

She wishes for a big torpedo!

Top right hand corner flash: You Must Read This!

Bottom copy: True tales of forbidden sex acts!

I've seen this magazine in the racks of the convenience store since Monday. By Wednesday, the urge was way too great. I HAD to get it. I mean, LOOK at it! From a copywriter's point of view, just read those excellent headlines! If 'Yang Perlu Anda Baca' isn't a call to action, I don't know what is.

And it keeps getting better:

Check out the girl with her eyes covered in shame. Even without the eyes, she's pretty fine. But that's not the killer. Check out the top right hand corner. That's a picture of the author. A tudung'd girl wrote it, so it MUST be true!

Some of the headlines inside are just as hillarious, if not more. Example 1:

TABUNG UJI PECAH DI DALAM KEMALUAN GADIS!
Translation: Test tube breaks in girls punnany!

And check out the illustration:

Feel the pain! Feel the shame!

Another one, which had me completely perplexed at first:

SEKS MANDI KUCING GADIS KILANG!
Translation: Factory girl's catbath sex!

With, once again, a cool illustration:

Notice the sinister look of the girl on her knees, who doesn't actually seem to be doing anything sexual. Her hands, if you look closer are not between the other girls legs, but by the side. The other girl, on the other hand, is having deep orgasmic pleasure of a the catbath variety.

At first I was confused as hell: what the hell does catbathing have to do with factory worker lesbians?! My only possible explanation is that cats wash themselves by licking themselves, and cat can also be pussy. Spread the word, a new term to replace 'rugmunching'. Next time you see a dyke, go tell them to have a 'catbath'.

The supposed 'real photos' are quite disturbing at times too. For example, one of the headlines for a story reads:

ASRAMA DIJADIKAN TEMPAT LEPAS NAFSU
Translation: Hostel hotbed for illicit sex!

And here's the culprit:

If you can't read the quote at the bottom of the picture, it reads:

"Tinggal bersama di asrama memudahkan kami menjalankan 'activiti'" - Baby
Translation: "Living in dorms makes it easier to fuck" - Baby

First off, what kind of a man calls himself 'Baby'?! And secondly, what woman in their right mind would fuck a guy that looks like THAT? He looks like a serial rapist. I mean, you're in a dorm, right? There's got to be more choice than this buck toothed Mr. Oss motherfucker.

Other headlines in the mag are just as good and just as deranged. There's the story of a girl who causes severe naughty bit damage to herself with a cucumber, some guy who's aparently a playboy, another girl who was a victim of witchery and made to do sexual acts against her bidding and, most curious of all, some forest with hidden sexual powers. I couldn't really translate it much, but the image had a woman with an increadibly shocked look on her face, looking downwards into a bush. Hmmm... poltergeist rapists? There was one line in the story that I did manage to translate, about an impotent trucker who took a few steps into the forest and regained his erection.

It makes for a disturbing read. All the articles are supposedly 'educational', and seem to be targetted at young Malay women, possibly to scare them from ever having sex. Especially the recurring theme of severe vaginal damage from foreign objects. A brinjal breaking in half, a cucumber causing severe haemorhages and a test tube breaking.

Thank God I'm a guy.

1.7.04 08:20

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The Good Ol' Days

It's hard to believe, but there actually was a time when myself and the people I knew in the local underground music scene were doing nothing more than just having fun playing music. No politics, no back stabbing, no 'fuck that motherfucker' bullshit, no ass-kissing. Just a bunch of guys and gals having a good time rocking.

The picture above is a little memento of that: the Tribute to Ramones gig at Blue Planet that Saiful organized. Pictured above are members of Intoxicated, Khaimano, Iodine 39 and friends.

This was before FYI. Before Y2k. Before things got iffy with Drake. Before it felt like we were competing against the organizers. Before jamtank flame wars. Before Intoxicated broke up and Iodine 39 still existed. Before Saiful lost his pet sisters (no thanks to me). Before Dragon Music Magazine. Before Jam fucked me over as bandmate and friend.

Looking back, it seems so innocent. Hardly anyone turned up to the gig until Intoxicated's last two songs, probably because nobody expected it to actually start at a decent hour, but we didn't care, we were having a blast.

That's all changed now, but at least it was fun while it lasted.

Not to say that we don't have fun now. It's just... different. There were less headaches last time. Hardly any headaches. Our only worry on that day was when MACP tried to screw Saiful over since the Ramones were copyrighted. We just buggered off before the shit hit the fan.

Sigh... oh, well. At least I've still got this photo.

God, I was thin. What the fuck happened?

1.7.04 09:14

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Well I know you be loving this shit right here...

I didn't think it was true, but I searched through the blogs, and it's official: Fred Durst has a blog on xanga.

1.7.04 10:29

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One Year Anniversary

I just realized it's been exactly one year since I walked out of my previous employment. Exactly one year. Maybe a year and a couple of hours. I think I left just before lunch.

I won't go into the details of it, hell, I'm not even sure I can remember all of it.

I remember deciding that there was no other way. Resigning would mean sitting through another 3 months of hell before finding heaven, and didn't seem like an option. I should've resigned as soon as the shit started hitting the fan.

Some people here still service my previous employment. Nobody ever brought up the walking out. Good.

Fact of the matter is, I just left. I made the decision, got up, walked down to the reception, said goodbye to the receptionist, got into my car, and drove away.

I've never been back since.

After about three hours they realized I was gone, and the calls started coming in. I switched off my phone and went straight to my friend Saifuls' house.

That night, I had the first decent nights rest in months. When I woke up I didn't realize it was 4pm. Everyone thought I'd killed myself.

The backlash was even worse, followed by a few months of hell from my parents, which I could've done without. It kinda stings when your dad tells you you have to be strong and face whatever challenge. If he had a day of the shit I had to go through in that office in the year 2003, I think he'd probably have a stroke.

I wish I could tell you more, but I think I'll leave it at that.

...

Hmmm. Not that funny or interesting, isn't it? Well fuck off, then. You want hillarious, imagine a penguin trying to fellate itself.

THAT's hillarious.

1.7.04 11:33

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Apologies and Portugeuse, Pride and Prune Juice

First off, apologies to Saj and the good people of Shoreditch for putting the wrong name of the club for the toilet photo in 'Pictures of Goats'. It's not 53 North. Its 93 feet east. Or 92. Maybe 91. 90-something. I don't know...

But I'm very curious as to where 53 North came from. If you asked me for a bearing, this is what I'd say, first thing off my head. But I don't know why. So if you have a suggestion as to where this bearing came from, do let me know.

Speaking of Saj, he called me last night to tell me how much he laughed out loud over the last post about educational smut mags in Malaysia. I think it's called 'Educate or titilate', or the other way round. Anyway, cheers for that. Good to know that someone's enjoying all this.

It's also made me realize that this shit is funny, the whole urge for smut in Malaysia and the incessent lack of. So from now on I'm going to try and hunt down as much smut-related material I can muster that is related to Malaysia. So far, I've got a couple calling cards for pimps (one of which is laugh out loud hillarious), and I know my mom's got a copy of 'Mastika' with the headline 'Monkey ate my genitals', accompanied by a VERY disturbing photo. Must find that one and upload it.

However, all that's not enough. If any of you guys out there have anything smut related and 100% malaysian that I could post up, do let me know. In fact, anything weird and wacky but 100% Malaysian would be great. It's time these little oddities got the recognition they deserve.

In particular, if anyones got any of the following, I'd be much obliged if you can send it over via e-mail or next time you meet me:

1. The infamous MAS smut vcd

2. The also infamous smut vcd of the Malaysian celebrity (or was it a Datin?) humping her fat husband with the increadibly tiny dick (if you've seen it, you'll know which one I'm talking about)

3. Any of the original copies (not off the news websites) of the whole 'Black Metal' fiasco. Those are good. If anyone's got the article on 'pink metal', that'd be great

4. Any pimp calling cards

5. Any kick ass headlines concerning smut, underground music, or anything else that people write about without using a brain, from the Harian Metro, Mastika or any other tabloid paper or mag

6. The pics (or vcd) of the UITM students getting jiggy

Now, before anyone starts calling me a perverted mongrel addicted to five knuckle shuffles, let me get one thing straight- I am not a perverted satanist, I am not a molester, or peeping tom, or, god forbid, rapist. I do not fiddle with four year olds and I do not enjoy being peed or shat on.

However, I enjoy discovering the perverse. These items in no way titilate or excite me, but amuse me to no lengths. If you take away the primal sexual instinct when first viewing porn, and take a look even deeper, you'll find a very fucked up world indeed.

I've often contemplated why these things pique my curiosity, and I think it's this:

Many people often read books as a means of escape. People read about sci-fi, horror, romance and adventure to get away from it all and immerse themselves in a world that fascinates them, a world full of wonder and excitement.

I don't. I don't enjoy reading any of the above as much as I enjoy reading another type of fiction that I haven't found the definition yet, but is best described as 'stories of very fucked up people and/or occurences'.

As an example, here's a list of some of my favorite fiction (not including graphic novels):

1. Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas - Hunter S Thompson
2. Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
3. Tropic of Cancer - Henry Miller
4. Pimp - Iceberg Slim
5. Fight Club & Choke - Chuck Palahniuk
6. Prozac Nation - Can't fucking remember the woman's name

And, just purchased, 'Generation S.M.U.T.' by Marty something.

The best reason I can come up with for enjoying reading about worlds so intensely buggered beyond comparison is that it keeps me sane. It reminds me that I'm quite normal, and so is my life, for all intents and purposes. These are not worlds I wish to live in or people I wish to meet. They just remind me that there is someone much more fucked in the head than I am, and it's very reassuring.

There. Food for thought.

Also, quite chuffed today. The article I wrote for KLue has been published in the latest issue. I'm not too proud of the actual article, the fact that I played it safe and just reported what happened, but, finally, something I wrote has been published in a magazine that is actually read widely.

Excuse me whilst I do a jig.

2.7.04 05:01

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Pop Idols, Bukakke & A Gentle Reminder

Just discovered a wonderful site (probably after everyone else has discovered it and virally sent it to everyone but me) for comic books (sorry, 'sequential art') - www.artbomb.net

In particular, the online comics. I've always stayed away from online comics, 'cos I never felt they translated well. In truth, all the ones I'd read before were in the hands of complete amateurs. Check out these two in particular.

A well written piece about bukakke by Susannah Breslin. Aparently she's a really good journalist. I agree.

A story of the madness of pop idols in the future. A disturbing look into the possible evolution of pop by one of my favorite writers, Warren Ellis (Transmetropolitan & a whole lot more).

BTW, just a little reminder: do read the rest of the blogs on this page. One's rather funny, another's asking for your help. And also, there are a whole bunch of other sections in this blog. Might rename them so that you guys actually click on it.

2.7.04 06:15

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A Weekend With the Singaporeans

So Goz and Wilson came down to do another 'Security, Top Secret & Classified' track. Somehow what started as a joke about a kid with serious issues concerning his own sexuality has now evolved into a Beastie Boys style project of old school rhymes and crazy beats. We've even got a DJ now. His name is '&'.

Worked on the track from Saturday evening to Sunday morning. Kept the beat simple due to the time constraints, with a sweet double bass loop and a funky drum beat that I cut and pasted into four different beats. Dopeness. After all the vocal tracks were put down, the song was 6 minutes and 9 seconds.

Attention: we may have written the worlds first progressive rap song.

Also found a wonderful bag of nuts with a kick ass tagline. Will be posting that up 2morrow, probably. Till then, I'm in the office with the Monday blues. And I've got a 9am deadline for tomorrow. Bugger. Time to brainstorm.

5.7.04 04:15

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Interesting Reading

If any of you after-teens out there want to read a little slice of those teenage years, check out 'Generation S.L.U.T.' by Marty Beckerman. Just finished it last night, excellent read. Adolescent promiscuity, love, suicide and rape in a pretty package.

Parents and teachers should give that book out to kids. They'll think they've stumbled onto wonder-porn for the first few chapters then get a good kick in the fucking balls towards the end. Although, if they get off on everything all the way till the end, they should probably be put down before they grow up to become congressmen and start raping peoples lives as opposed to little girls.

Also finished Grant Morrison's 'Filth' over the weekend. Good god, what a headfuck. If anyone can tell me the deeper meaning involved in that book, do let me know. It's like a Lynch movie in a comic book: you know you understand it, you just can't explain it.

5.7.04 05:08

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A Little Note From A Hellblazer Fan

I've been checking out my favorite Hellblazer site, Straight To Hell, for the past half hour.

For those who don't know, John Constantine is a magus & a con-man, created during Alan Moore's run on 'Swamp thing', who was so cool he got his own comic book. He's a chain smoking Brit from up north living it up in London amongst all that's supernatural. Oh, and many people in Hell absolutely despise the bastard who was visually based on Sting.

Anyway, following on from the current craze of turning decent comic books into shite (except for a select few, like Spidey, X Men & Hellboy), they're making a Hellblazer movie called Constantine. And guess who's playing every comic lovers favorite smart arsed brit? Keannu Reeves.

This news shocked the shit out of me. Myself and quite a few vowed not to watch it. The trailer had him with a goddamn Crucifix shotgun, for fucks sake!

But the first test screenings have run, and strangely, it's all positive! Hmmm... curiosity has been piqued... check it out here.

5.7.04 12:12

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